Trapped by Conviction

 Trapped by Conviction: When Men Face Abuse and Societal Shackles

 

The most difficult thing I’ve ever put down on paper to share with everyone. However, not nearly as difficult as the time I reached the end of my rope (I thought) and emotionally broken, I summoned my courage to go to a domestic violence center that previously distributed a questionnaire to a class I was taking at the community College. Which was the first time I realized, after years of just dealing with it the notion I was a victim of domestic violence had ever even crossed my mind. As I never then or now ever thought of myself as any kind of victim. However, feeling hopeless with tears falling uncontrollably like rain, I sought help. Unfortunately, even in my state, I was told I had to leave because, as a large, tattooed man, I would make the women there uncomfortable or scared. So, I left and swore to myself I would never speak of it or allow anyone to make me feel that way ever again. Since that time, which has been years ago now, I have always made it a point to remind people that everyone is fighting battles we likely know nothing about, so be kind and don’t pass judgments, you never really know how close to the edge someone might be. :

The narrative of domestic abuse is often one-sided, portraying men as the aggressors and women as the victims. But the reality is far more complex. Men, too, experience abuse, both physical and emotional, often suffering in silence due to societal expectations and a lack of support. This silence is further complicated when men, raised with strong moral convictions against harming women, find themselves trapped in abusive situations.

Imagine this: Joe Anybody, a man raised to believe that violence against women is abhorrent, finds himself in a volatile relationship. His partner, prone to fits of rage, lashes out both verbally and physically. Joe, despite his imposing physique, is paralyzed. His deeply ingrained beliefs prevent him from retaliating or even defending himself. He's trapped between his moral compass and the escalating abuse.

This scenario highlights a painful paradox. While society expects men to be protectors, it simultaneously condemns any form of violence against women, even in self-defense. This leaves men like me in a moral and physical bind. We’re expected to endure abuse, risking our own physical and emotional well-being, rather than violate our deeply held beliefs.

The shame and embarrassment are profound. Men like me and Joe, a victim in every sense of the word, feel like a failure. We question our manhood, wondering why we can't "control" the situation or protect ourselves. This internal conflict, coupled with the external pressure to remain silent, can lead to severe psychological distress.

The short-term effects are immediate and debilitating. We experience anxiety, depression, and even suicidal ideation. The long-term consequences can be equally devastating. Without proper support, men like me struggle with PTSD, substance abuse, and difficulty forming healthy relationships. The inability to process and heal from the trauma can have a ripple effect, impacting our careers, our families, and our overall well-being.

The societal expectation for men to be stoic and "take it" creates a dangerous cycle of silence. Men are often reluctant to report abuse, fearing they won't be believed or, worse, that they'll be ridiculed. This silence allows the abuse to continue, often escalating in severity.

It's crucial to recognize that domestic abuse affects people of all genders. We need to create safe spaces and resources specifically for men who are victims of abuse, acknowledging the unique challenges we face. We need to challenge the harmful stereotypes that prevent men from seeking help. And most importantly, we need to listen to and believe male survivors when they bravely share their stories.

Only by acknowledging the full spectrum of domestic abuse, including the complex situations faced by men with strong moral convictions, can we create a society where everyone, regardless of gender, feels safe and supported in seeking help.

If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic abuse, please call the national domestic abuse hotline (800)799-7233, that’s 800-799-SAFE, Text START to 88788, or visit thehotline.org. Above all, remember, even though it often feels like it, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!